Gender Dysphoria Headaches!!!!

I am getting these headaches reacted to my gender dysphoria if I see some cute outfits I really want to wear.  This has been happening everyday for awhile and I don't know how to move forward with any of these headaches.  The most logical want to move forward would be to buy clothes that would make me feel comfortable and try them on at my place of residence.  I know that is not possible where I live at the moment, and living in a city that has a high housing market even if the number do come down, there is a not a chance yet for me to move out of my current place.

With all of that said, I feel that for the last number of years, I have been thinking about moving into an appearance and clothes that suits what I think of myself inside.  The problem, I feel each time is that my family, and culture are the biggest in saying, you can't do this, and if you do, you will be shamed.  I already hear that because you were born male, you can't have long hair, and this has been how my family thinks of me ever since I was young.  I am trying to keep my hair long even as my family says no.

Has there been people outside of my family that I have said things that I disagree with yes.  Some of said, I don't understand your name, was this a name your parents gave you, that is a girl's name and you are male from what I see, are you going to change the clothes you wear right now, this has been so many years why haven't you can't yourself to reflect your name???  All of these are really a small snapshot of what society feels about me.  Will this get larger if I don't look 100% the way society wants me to when and if I change my full appearance, yes for sure.  Am I scared?  I am more scared for others because I haven't really put myself first in my life in many many years.

Along with that, I have made one push forward in my life, which is my name, unofficially, I have changed my name which made me happy when I first changed.  Now that, I have had the name for many years, I am wanting to make other changes, which are bigger.  I have done all the research, I need to do, just need to take the steps to make them happen.  I don't know when I will be able to do any of this, if ever.

The kind of changes I would like to do that are non surgical are, going on HRT, having private parts that are not male, having little to no hair on my body, wearing skirts, cute tops, and shoes that are colourful.  I also want to be able to make sure that I look pretty and really focus on my health.  I am not in bad health in any shape or form, the only thing is that I see no reason to get in top shape when I look the way I do now.  Is there anyway, I can improve my appearance now, yes, many ways but I keep trying and failing at each and every step.

Last, the amount of times, I lose sleep over this has been scary.  I don't want to be who I am, and I can relate that to back to when I was a teenager.  I have also even wanted to cut some parts of myself off.  I feel if I have had known early in my life, this might have gone smoother but I will never know.

Now that I am almost crying, I leave you with the call to action "To support everyone who has dysphoria of any type, they need you more than ever in this world."