Monday, June 12, 2017

The Loci of my World

I went to watch Wonder Woman yesterday. I went to watch it with someone else, and he, being a male, noticed all the obvious things - how it had a female lead, and that it was very female-centric, etc - but I noticed something else entirely, and therefore our reactions were quite different. I had mixed feelings about it. Him, not so much.

There is a common fear for women with careers of their own when it comes to marriage and childbirth. I vaguely recall Hillary Rodham Clinton mentioning it, or at least someone mentioning it, in her documentary. I've heard other women mention it. And I have it as well.

When you enter a relationship in which you think it might be real, or give birth, there appears to be a steady sense of transition from "human being" to "woman" for those who have fought in a man's world as a woman. As Miranda Hobbes from Sex and the City said, "It's hard enough being a woman in a man's world". As a woman, it almost feels as if one must do harder and do better to be appreciated the same as a man.

And then a man enters the life, and suddenly someone like Hillary finds that the locus of the existence - or the reason to do things, such as move - transitioned from "me" to "him". It's a terrifying feeling, because suddenly there's a GPS that's gently suggesting you, the driver, to take left when you feel that right might be better. You have no idea where left will take you. And you turn back and wonder, "am I making the right choice for the past me if I go left?"

And that, to me - that external locus - is a very feminine thing. Maybe it's not quite something associated with femininity, I see it far more often in women than men. And Wonder Woman had it, to the extent that I knew that the director was a woman, right off the bat, without looking at the credits.

Many of games and plotlines created by men involve characters whose loci for action resides within themselves. Eowyn, for instance, fights for her country because she believes that it is the right thing to do. It is not because Theoden loves Rohan that she goes to fight; she fights because she loves her homeland. No single person compelled her to do such a thing, but something far more intangible, nebulous - love for one's country, when that country has no voice, no face, no body - drove her to conceal herself and take up arms.

Ezio Auditore from Assassin's Creed series fights for vengeance, which also resides within himself, and then for freedom and justice. Whether it be survival, vengeance, honour, freedom, equality... men appear to fight for something that they themselves believe in.

But then there was Arno Dorian from Assassin's Creed: Unity, who fought for... well, a girl. It was Elise, his love of his life, who wanted to liberate France or take revenge. Arno was just for the ride. It was his game, his life, but for some reason he was in the passenger's seat.

And upon consideration, this sounded very similar.

Polgara and Belgarath, with lives spanning eons, could perhaps devote themselves to an idea, a concept; but Ce'Nedra was barely sixteen years old, and she needed something more human to arouse her devotion. At this very moment, somewhere in the forests of Gar og Nadrak, there was a sandy-haired young man with a serious face whose safety - whose very life - depended on every effort she could muster. The princess surrendered finally to love.
Garion, the said sandy-haired man, is out to save the world, because he believes in it. Ce'Nedra, his fiancee, is out to save the world, because Garion believes in it. It's not her choice. It is Garion's.

And when it comes to Wonder Woman, the same thing can be said. When Diana falters - when all seem hopeless - it is a man's lips, his words that rouse her to save the day, because he believes in it. Before that, she loses all faith, but the male does not. He continues to believe, and leaves her to do what he can do, to pursue his beliefs. And in the end, Diana merely follows. She saves mankind, not because she herself sees hope, but because Trevor sees hope, and she loves him. It is not her choice.

Is it possible for a woman to love someone so utterly and not lose one's self (note: I differentiate between falling in love with and loving someone)? Perhaps, but I myself don't see the way. I must constantly remind myself that my research and my life takes priority before anything else, simply because if I let myself, I may very well transfer the locus of my existence to someone else, and I simply cannot afford that right now. Maybe, someday I can, but not today. I also wonder if men lose themselves a bit too, when they love someone and become a parent, but so far I haven't seen much indication of it.

Perhaps, if Wonder Woman had been directed by a man, Diana would have left behind an injured and dying Trevor to fight her archnemesis.

Sunday, June 11, 2017

The Handmaid's Tale... a cautionary tale, or just an exaggeration?

When Margaret Atwood debuted the now classical Handmaid's Tale, it was well-received by the critics, placing it in the same category as 1984 by George Orwell and Aldous Huxley's The Brave New World. Now, almost forty years later, Hulu has picked it up and the television show is causing much debate and sensation. The primary target audience is predictably female, and it is causing much debate.

To quickly recap, Offred is a concubine in the household of a powerful figure in a dystopian America that has been overtaken by a fundamentalist group. Women have been relegated to being accessories to men's existence in this world where infertility is a huge problem (along with pollution that makes much of the landmass inhabitable). There are the Handmaids, who are basically just walking birthing tools, The Wives, who are the rightful spouses of these men, Marthas, who are the housekeepers, etc. Freedom is not allowed, and everything is strictly controlled. Including sex.

In the light of recent elections, the fact that the TV series took off may appear, at first glance, to be a precaution. Are we all headed that way? Is this the time to say enough is enough?

Or is it just an exaggeration?

It is easy to commiserate with Offred and to recount the tales of woe that we (as women) have been inflicted upon; mansplaining, being looked over, being treated as inferior, etc. There is an inherent sense of fear as we walk down the dirty alleyway at 2AM, a nervous voice asking us whether this will be our last stroll to anywhere - ever. We see the Wife as a fellow oppressor, the master as a cruel, almost crassly inconsiderate male.

But is it that easy? Aren't they all victims? I highly doubt the Wife wants to watch her husband have sex with Offred, and yet she is forced to do so. However, a quick perusal online shows me that very few - if any - has given consideration for the Wife, or the Commander.

And just what does it mean to be a woman, anyway? If you are oppressed because you are a woman (as Offred experiences), are you now a woman? What about the Commander's Wife, then? And hasn't Offred transgressed against another woman by being the Other Woman before America fell to these fundamentalists?

Where do we draw the line between a man and a woman?

Are you born a woman, or are you made a woman, in Beauvoir's parlance?

If we use statistical statements from psychology as admissible evidence in court, then should we also accept the psychological evidence that women are more emotional, or that women are worse at 3D reasoning?

What makes me a woman and not a man? If I undergo sex-change, am I a man?

Thursday, June 01, 2017

Why I want to Become The "Lesser Gender"? Update #3

I will be doing a series every week from Monday to Friday on one topic that screams me to talk about.


Makeup is something that I don't talk about enough but I am going to have to as that is something I am going to have to use in the future.  The reason, I will have to use makeup is to look nothing like myself but a super femme person.  There are people who don't need to wear makeup to make themselves look femme but as a person who wasn't born that way, I am going to have to do that.  I have never used makeup ever so this will be the first time and I am a bit scared.  Being scared is not new to me but I am trying to break that mold and really not be scared of anything. Sometimes you have to be to real get over the issue.  Makeup is new and exciting to me which is going to mean I have to really crush this to make myself super femme and understand the world around me.

The way people told me to understand how to do makeup is look at what drag queens, that don't put on too much makeup, do as they are able to put on makeup like not many other people can.  I also should be watching videos on youtube that will show how to do makeup well.  The other way is to get someone else to do my makeup well enough.  The issues that will come of this is me having to cover everything that is on my face now that I don't want there to be in the future.  To make this work, I have to learn to shave really well, and get all the hair off, not suppose to be there.  I am hoping that if everything is done right, I will not look the way I use to look ever again.

Last, is the makeup really the way to go about this and can't I just dress a super femme person without makeup.  The reason for all of this, is to never look the way I was in the past, and make sure people don't know who I am ever again.  This will take time but I am sure I will get there and be happy as a clam.  I am going to take this challenge on and really move forward with what I want to do.


If you have any questions, comments, or thoughts, please leave them below and I will get them when I have a chance. I would love to hear what other people think.

Please support me via donating on my Patreon page.

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Why I want to Become The "Lesser Gender"? Update #2

I will be doing a series every week from Monday to Friday on one topic that screams me to talk about.


I am going to talk about pregnancy again as I feel that is something I really want.  Pregnancy for people who want to change their private parts to female ones like me, can't really have a kid inside themselves.  People say to me, really you can adopt or date a person who wants to have a kid and can give birth.  Both is not always possible and for me I am not even sure I will date someone who wants a kid at all.  Talking to my partner will help me figure out if both of us would want a kid or not and which way would be the best in terms of our mental health.  Pregnancy is something I want go through, and experience which is heavy but still my mind is set at the moment.

Here, in my country, a political candidate for party leadership, Niki Ashton, announced recently that she is pregnant and there has been lots of support but also people saying, the wording she used is totally wrong.  She should have said, "I am pregnant" instead of "100 can confirm I am expecting to give birth. Hope that clears things up."  This is clear to me but others feel that what she is wrong.  People who are giving birth shouldn't be expected to hear from others that what they said is wrong.  This person is super amazing and should be supported for what she is saying.  A similar thing was said to Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer who came back to work after only a few days off of work after giving birth.  People thought she was insane and needed to take the full time off that was set out for her.  I believe female know their body and family better than others telling them they are wrong.  When people keep saying "You are wrong. You are wrong. You are wrong." This really puts people's mental state down about giving birth, and stops some people because of the negative reactions.


If you have any questions, comments, or thoughts, please leave them below and I will get them when I have a chance. I would love to hear what other people think.

Please support me via donating on my Patreon page.

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Why I want to Become The "Lesser Gender"? Update #1

I will be doing a series every week from Monday to Friday on one topic that screams me to talk about.


Well, since I am talking about the "lesser gender" which I don't think exists, today I will talk about periods.  You know the ugly blood and pain that is felt with having a period.  Many people say, this is anger week for the "lesser gender", and they should be put in a room for a week until everything goes back to normal.  This is wrong and should never be thought of, people who get periods should have the right to be upset and angry if they choose to be that way.  Everything that they are going through is normal and part of growing up.  People shouldn't have to be called out or locked in a room because they are aliens from a different planet, this is seriously not the dark ages.  Back in the dark or medieval times, people of the higher gender would lock up the "lesser gender" when they were going through their periods as they thought a witch spell was upon them.  Lucky that is still not the case in today's world, and people are able to be free even when they are on their period.

If I was on my period, people think I would be crazier then I am now but I don't think that.  I actually would like my period and really push through all of the pain and blood that goes along with this.  I have never been able to have one but if I was fully transitioned into being a femme person, could I experience this, I hope I was able to but unlikely.  The way, people get around their period is by putting an intrauterine device (IUD) up into their body to stop all the pain.  I have heard the IUD can cause a lot of problems if not place correctly or just in general which can be sad to hear.  They are trying to stop all the pain and blood in one shoot because they don't want to have all the troubles that come with the period.  On the blooding part, there are period cups that allow you to stick this up there when the period starts and take out once a day to drain and clean the cup, which is super amazing as allows for a cleaner period and no period pads.  Overall for me, I have so much gender dysphoria that I would like to life fully as a femme person and to do that, this includes having periods.


If you have any questions, comments, or thoughts, please leave them below and I will get them when I have a chance. I would love to hear what other people think.

Please support me via donating on my Patreon page.