Friday, February 24, 2017

Building Courage and Taking Risks to Doing Exercise

I am going to rule 2017 by doing everything I can to change the bad issues of past years into something good.  Focusing on doing everything I want in life and not letting the demons of the past come back.  Over the past few years there has been many difficult times and I want to change each one to get back on track with making 2017 the best year ever.  I already have goals in mind that I want to complete for this year.  Completing all of my goals will really make me smile even more then I am now.

The other way to make 2017 roar, is to take risks with my life which really get me to step out of my boundaries.  A few of them are moving out, getting true paid work, and making sure everything in my life is secure.  The first one moving out, which will happen this year and really move out so that I don't have to run back to family.  The second goal, is to get true paid work, which is paid work that is stable and not a job or project here or there, this might happen in the next couple of months.  The third and last goal is to get everything secure in my life which includes banking, appearance, and being able to pay for myself.

This year is about getting the courage to do things on my own and super charge my life as a whole.  I want to have no fears in my life by the end of this year.  I feel both the courage and the fears go hand and hand, as I drop the fears from my life, the courage builds up and I get over everything.  The more I try to overcome my fears, the bigger my courage gets to push forward without others telling me I am doing something wrong in my life.

Beyond that, I am trying to get into doing more exercise, which one of them is running.  I do running on and off which is helping me build up courage over time.  I have spoke about running before but really enjoy the relaxing feeling this gives me.  As for other exercises, I want to get back into cycling which I don't do in the winter months as that can be dangerous.  If I could bike in the winter that would be great but the amount that I do go outside in the winter is not enough to really make that worth the effort.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Hoping for New Job and Changing Life

I am scared if I get the new job next month as I don't know how others will react.  The reaction is not to the new job but to me as a person who identifies as agender but presents as male for the moment.  I would like to present as a femme person who is agender but hard to do when I have a culture that doesn't move with society that fast.  With the new job coming along, the person currently in the role said I will get the job.  I am scared that people will perceive me as a female as my name that I go by.

The best part is blowing people mind's with misconceptions of how I appear to be.  I don't like people seeing me for who they think I am but who they don't think I am.  The whole idea is that when people make judgement calls, and say this person must be female or have the pronouns she or he, I tell them nope on both fronts.  I am agender and they/them are my pronouns.

Really the new job if I get this will change my life and make everything much better.  This is the first time, I have really pushed myself to do something without any backup as of right now.  The whole idea is not scary but is hard to get around when I look at the big picture.  There are ways that this can go wrong and if they do I will start to cry.  Crying is actually what helps me grow sometimes as I learn and grow as a person.

Beyond that, I have been thinking about everything and there has been three pieces that really make me happy.  I am going to move out this year for sure and there is no stopping me, my over thinking everything is going to stop, and going to be happy in everything I do.  I shouldn't come across as a person who is sad or a mess this year.  This year, 2017, is going to be the best year ever if I continue to break down walls and really push myself to do more.

Friday, February 17, 2017

What I Eat in a Day to Trust

I eat the same food over and over again.  I know that I should have variety in my life but I never think of anything new to cook.  I really like cooking but this is the same food all the time.  If I had a wide range of food to pick from, I would choose to make different food everyday.

The foods I eat now in a normal day is cereal, pasta, stir-fry, bagel, and smoothie.  I know that this is a lot of starch and need to get away from eating so much.  The problem is I don't think of what else to eat.  I always open the fridge and see too much food to pick from.  I take too long to pick what to eat and then go for what is the same.  If I had noodles, I would make that more often, yet I don't buy that often.  Also I would make bread from scratch if I had the right ingredients.

This is the type of food I do eat, yet I still feel I can go along way to making sure I get all the nutrients I need.  The current food I eat is great but having diverse food would allow me to not have the same food for the rest of my life.  Food does make me happy but I need to really get interested in making different food well so that I can cook for others sometimes.

Beyond that, I have had problems in my life.  One of them was losing the trust of my parents who thought I would never do what I did.  A couple of years ago, I was looking into doing a website with someone and I didn't get paid for helping them.  I thought that was fine as sometimes I don't get paid to do websites.  The next time the same person contacted me, I was communicating with this person for ages and then in the end, I lose so much money.  I wasn't sure how to get out of the situation I was in, and everything was falling apart.  My parents and family were so upset when I told them that I did something, as big as that, wrong.  They have never trusted me since that time in anything big as in money and the window to come back from that hasn't and I don't think will ever go away.

Monday, February 13, 2017

Therapy to Super Happy

I have been to therapy before which was actually really good that I went.  I got to understand a lot about myself and the way my mind works.  The results were follow what I enjoy and drawing my feelings is always good.  I was able to talk about both at the therapy session almost all the time, and felt more alive when I was pouring out my feelings.

The reason therapy ended was my parents went to one session and they decided after that, they didn't want me going anyone.  They felt the therapist was against them and that therapy wasn't really working for me at all.  They didn't see the results that I did inside of myself, so they didn't want to waste any more money.  Since that time, I haven't gone back to a therapist but my parents and family have still been trying to figure out what is wrong with me.

When I was in therapy, art really get me to express myself as back when I was in therapy, I wasn't the most talkative person.  Art really helped bring out what I was thinking at the moment, and the therapist made me tell stories about my art.  I really enjoyed the story telling part as my art can be viewed many different ways.  The key point for me is art brings out what is inside the creative part of my mind.

Beyond that, I am super happy these days.  I have had a lot of uplifting advice and different ways of figuring out who I am.  All of the results have made me see the world in a happier way then I normally see my life.  With that, I am jumping at the chance to have more fun in my life and really put myself out there.  I never knew that I would want to put myself out there even as early as last year.  I will continue to be super happy and enjoy life to the fullest.

Friday, February 10, 2017

ENFJ to Running

I took the Myers Briggs test that tells your personalities.  From the results of the test I got ENFJ, and feel that is exactly what I am to the T.  Others were doing the test at the same time and I figured why not do the same test and see what my results are.  Since the last time I took the test, over 11 or 12 years ago, I have had massive amount of change in my life.  I normally get a split of introvert and extrovert but I feel that I am switching to extrovert more.  This is where I want to go but didn't know about the other personalities that would come out in the test.  People would say normally, I am not a feeling person but as I have grown older, I am starting to show my feeling more outwards then inside of myself.

The biggest lesson I learned is that I take on too much and try to make sure everything gets done.  This shows that I can be in leadership positions but almost means that I work too hard.  I do work too hard and the amount of time I put to volunteer causes instead of focusing on myself and getting paid could fill 7 earths.  The key from the test is to focus on myself more and put enough of that energy into getting paid.

Now that I look at the actual traits of a ENFJ, I see that most of this makes sense to me.  I am wanting to keep to a schedule, feel organized and be the responsible one when I am around others.  This year has been about keeping schedules better, getting organized with life.  Beyond that, I don't want my past to show up anymore that I am not responsible.  Maybe a lot of what I am showing these days are a result of wanting to break the mould that my parents and the rest of my family put me into.  This blog has shown me that I need to be around people and be out in the open to enjoy life.

Beyond the test, I have been running more lately which is not normal for me.  My father has always said, "You should jog."  I never really took up that advice as I always need to find out what I want to do in my life on my own.  Currently Canada is in winter and I know running in the winter is not the best as this is freezing cold.  Yet, Toronto seems to be in a bubble and doesn't get as cold or the snow other parts of the Greater Toronto Area does.  Yet, I actually like to running and really enjoy the peace I get when I do this at night when no one is awake in the neighbourhood.  Running has given me a sense of joy and freedom to really focus on nothing but my breathing and what is around me.